一直想去很远的地方。买了旅行的书，和青年旅馆全球通用的卡，还有很贵的bag-packing。我想用行走去全然自己，去释放一种无形的压力。

我渐渐明白流浪其实真的是一种情结。看到街上带着大狗流浪的年轻人，在各种荒诞怪异的打扮中，去寻找这个尘世无法满足和给予的一切。他们的狗很大，比他们壮很多，却很温顺；习惯几个人抽一跟烟，然后轮流在吞云吐雾中去感受一种流淌着的漂泊。歌声可以很随意，在寒冷的傍晚，太阳消去后，教堂的弥散开始响起，祷告和钟声；14世纪的教堂门前我们都没有家，谁在乎！！酒精和欢笑，在地铁里裸着膀子和上身，呐喊着子夜的欢腾。。。

我在精致的街道上走过，匆忙，开始在脑子里旋转着每天的工作学习，还有各种约会活动。从来不会停息，如同一种恶性的循环，在吞噬着已经少得可怜的睡眠。

逃逸出一种被只哭的无奈，和信息摧残的伤感，找到另外一种陌生的感觉，在午夜的火车中慢慢让疲惫去掩盖一切。

我俩去toulouse，走的时候是周五的夜晚，刚和guillaume的rdv结束，我一直都很想邀请他出去。只是》。。。。可能我终究是无法理解男人的。也应该让自己明白，100次胜利和被宠，并不意味着一种永恒，或者说一个优秀的人总是在decu中度过，因为他总能碰到自己无法满足的情况，总会有失落和难言的落寞我不明白他可以如此拒绝我。就是这样。

我在100次胜利后，却在101次遭到挫折，然后我会去怀疑过去的100次胜利，是上帝的恩赐偶然，还是一种潜藏在最后失败中的迷混药就如同我一直在怀疑自己的智商和我付出的所有努力和用功。

至于学习，我在生命的23年里，从来没有这样的感觉。我希望自己突然死去，然后忘记一种如同突然在大庭广众下赤裸的羞耻感。。。我开始怀疑很多东西，过去的成功和辉煌，以及过去自己奋斗建立起来的自信大厦。。。我怀疑它们的真实性，已经自己是否在失去一种记忆或者开始交错真实和幻想本身。

在去toulouse 的路上，我开始失忆，因为很多元素开始交错了，疲惫和夜梦还有长期缺少睡眠带来的大脑皮层习惯性半兴奋，把发生过的，将要发生的愿望，以及没有必然性的渴想都胶合在一起了。自己会不会从中间醒来，很希望火车永远开下去，一直到最西边，然后进入ATLANTIC OCEAN

来到toulouse已经是错过了夜车。我们比较昏头，错过了火车，继而是最后一班地铁。寒冷的夜色中可怜的旅人。回到宿舍，室友的男朋友在房间里，然后我突然的开灯造成了慌乱。可怜的孩子们停止了游戏，男生却然地出门，我倒床就睡。

旅行疲惫，jacklyin生病了。需要锻炼。南方没有lyon冷，但毕竟冬天。火车站有西班牙的报站广播，整个城市是红色的，缠和着秋叶的枫红，绽开着一种遐想背后的温存。

圣诞节前夕都是热闹的集市和热闹的人群。周末总是充满着各种活动，偏偏我们疲惫，7点就不争气地睡着，忘了更衣和关灯，醒来已经3点。Gay bar的计划只能放置明天，凌晨3点能做的事情就是冲个凉，然后好好睡觉。

我担心jackyin会加重病情，明天我们无法挪动。事实上的确如此，虽然第二天天气好转，但我们走动太多，累得不行。景色虽然优美，陶醉过后，照相过后，在各种夜色和自然的严峻挑战后，还是难挡一种自然规律的流淌。

很多时候会忘记在一个陌生的城市，行走，然后浏览，最后去把夕阳绽定的刹那用相机捕捉，接着就是天黑后的行走了。

我们的火车是23点，在展转了几个酒吧后，发现周日的欧洲真的是郁闷，基本都休息。最后的酒吧里，我在音乐和酒精中，感到疲惫的升腾，接着有些迷糊地看着waiter。。其实世界上的帅哥很多，美女很多。身边的法国女人，翘着腿，抽的烟，在黑色的装容下，性感和挑逗都是魅力的一种延展；男人的潇洒经常在各个出口蹦现，我明白都是过客我一直信守一种过客的说法，可能是旅行带来的漂泊感，总让我觉得如同渡舟潜行大多数的相逢，相遇都不会有结果，或者说淡然得逐渐逝去。我只是想在瞬间，或者相知的岔道口去抓住记忆的绳索，去勒住一个叫残忍的遗忘过程。

要让自己学会去习惯一种生活：爱情和激情是分开的，更不要奢望永恒因为自己本身就是流动和漂泊的。 夜车，没有恐怖，只有疲惫和寒冷，还有站台的灯光，昏暗，无边。。。。

手里是lyon-plus，一早的清晨回到lyon，非常寒冷，整个火车都在震动。半夜1点冻醒，忘记应该多带点衣服，至少是毛衣之类的。Jacklyin也是一样，单薄的她似乎气息

周一的早晨，5点的地铁很空旷。julien从房间里出来，我讨厌孩子般的游戏，偏偏就让我碰上了。一直在想念guillaume，但是，但是，他是jason的化身还是一种新的捉弄。地球的两端，不要去猜测一种偶然的相似。或许是我好胜心的作祟，要征服一切困难。。征服第101次的挫折。

10点醒来，没有收到Guillaume的mail，尽管有10封在里面。。。。。这是生活，他当然有权利 se fiche de moi.

一周的工作开始了，我其实并没有调整过来，一直在颠簸中去寻找自己，找来的却是体力上的疲惫和在灵魂深处看到一个孤独的载体在颤抖中挣扎前进。。。。

Actually is not travels itself, but is the account in own words which one kind talks during sleep)

I continuously wants to go to the very far place. Having bought the travel book, with youth hotel whole world general card, but also has very expensive bag-packing. I want to use to walk completely own, releases one kind of invisible pressure.

I am gradually clearly that roaming about(ERRANDCE) is actually really one kind of complex. The young people with the big dog roams about, in each kind of incredible strange appearance, seeks all which this this mortal world is unable to satisfy and to give. Their dog very big, compared to them strong very much, and docile; They are familiar with several people to pull out one with the smoke, then feels one kind of flow drifting in turn in smoking like a chimney. The singing sound may very at will, in the cold evening, after the sun eliminate, the church dissemination starts to resound, prays with 钟声; In front of 14 centuries church gates we all do not have the family, who cares about! ! The ethyl alcohol and laughs heartily, in subway bare upper arm and upper body, is crying out the midnight jubilation. . .

I pass through on the fine street, hurried, starts to revolve the daily work study in the brain, but also has each kind of appointment.. Always cannot cease, if the identical kind of malignant circulation, was swallowing the already highlt little sleep.

Escapes one kind helpless which only cries, devastates moved with the information, found other one kind of strange feeling, slowly lets exhaustedly in the midnight train cover all.

Both of us go to toulouse, walks time was Friday night, just with the rdv with guillaume . I continuously all very wanted to invite him to exit. Only is ". . . . Perhaps I am eventually unable to understand the man. Also should let oneself understand that, 100 victories and are favored, certainly did not mean one kind of eternal, or said an outstanding person always passed in disappointement , because he always can bump into oneself is unable the satisfied situation, the general meeting has loses to be desolate I with the difficult word not to understand he may so reject me.

Is this. After I 100 victories, actually in 101 time encounter the setback, then I can suspect the past 100 victories, were God's gracious gift are accidental, or one kind hid finally is being defeated to confuse mixes the medicine to be similar to me continuously to suspect own intelligence quotient and I paid all endeavors and studied hard.

As for the study, I in the life 23 years, never have such feeling. I hoped oneself suddenly died, then forgot one kind is similar to suddenly under the big crowd of people the naked ashamed feeling. . . I start to suspect very many things, past successful and the magnificence, as well as passed the self-confident building which own struggled to establish. . .

I suspected their authenticity, already own whether are losing one kind of memory or starts to interlock real and fantasizes itself.

On the way to Toulouse, I started to lose memory, because many elements started to interlock, exhausted and a night of dream also had lacks cerebral cortex 习惯性 which the sleep brought half to be excited for a long time, has occurred. The desire, as well as did not have the inevitable yearning for all agglutination in together. Can own wake from among, hoped very much the train forever avance, continuously arrives the most west, then enters ATLANTIC OCEAN

Arrived toulouse already has missed the night train. We compared are muddleheaded, have missed the train, subsequently was last the class of subway. In cold dim light of night pitiful traveler. Returns to the dormitory, the roomate's boyfriend in the room, then I sudden turned on the light to create have been flurried. The pitiful children stopped the game, the male student actually however gate, my but actually bed rests.

Travel is exhausting, jacklyin fell ill. Needs to exercise. South does not have lyon to be cold, but after all winter. The train station has Spanish the newspaper station broadcast, the entire city is red, entangles is being red with the fall leaf's maple tree, is splitting open behind one kind of daydream attentive. Christmas day eve all is the lively rural fair and the lively crowd. Weekend always is filling each kind of activity, we are exhausted, 7 do not make every effort to succeed is resting, forgot to change clothes and to close the lamp, woke already 3 o'clock.

The Gay bar plan will only be able to lay aside tomorrow, before dawn 3 o'clock will be able to do the matter flushes cool, then will sleep well.

I worried jackyin can aggravate the condition, we will be unable to move tomorrow. In fact indeed so, although the second day weather changes for the better, but we take a walk too many, tiredly results in not good.

Scenery although exquisite, after has been infatuated with, after has photographed, after each kind of dim light of night and natural stern challenge, or is difficult to keep off one kind of natural law the flow.

Very many times can forget in a strange city, walks, then the browsing, finally goes the setting sun splits decides instant uses the camera capture, after was meeting is darkness walks.

Our train is 23 o'clock, after has tossed and turn several bars, discovered Sunday the Europe really is melancholy, basically all rests.

In the final bar, I in the music and the ethyl alcohol, felt the exhausted ascension, meets some blurry is looking at waiter. . Actually in world 帅哥 very many, the beautiful woman are inorme. The side French woman, is curling upwards the leg, pulls out the smoke, accommodates in the black attire, the sex appeal and teases all is the charm one kind delays; The man is natural frequently jumps in each exportation presently, I understood all is the traveler I continuously abides by one kind of traveler's view, possibly is the travel brings drifts the feeling, always lets me think is similar to crosses the boat to dive good majority meeting by chance, meets one another all cannot have the result, or said is indifferent gradually passes. I only am want in instantaneous, or the dear friend branches off the road junction to hold the memory the rope, restrains cruelly to call to forget the process.

Must let oneself learn to be familiar with one kind of life: The love and the passion are separated, does not want the wild hope eternal because own itself is flows and drifts.

The night train, does not have the terror, only has exhausted and is cold, but also has the platform the light, dim, boundless. . . .

With <lyon-plus> in the hand, I returned Lyon in the early morning.It was extremely cold, the entire train all is vibrating. Midnight 1 o'clock frozen awakes, forgot should bring clothes, at least is the woolen sweater and so on.

Jacklyin also is same, the frail her as if breath Monday morning, 5 subways are very spacious. Julien comes out from the room, my repugnant child's game, let me bump into.

I am always thinking of Guillaume, but, but, is he the incarnation of Jason or one kind of new making fun of.

Earth's beginnings and ends, do not need to guess one kind of accidental similar. Perhaps is my 好胜心 causing trouble, must conquer all difficulties. . Conquers the 101st setback.

There were a lot of e-mails in the mailbox during the weekend, but without Guillaume's, although has 10 in inside. . . . .

This is the life, he certainly has right se fiche de moi. A week-long work started, I certainly have not actually adjusted, continuously seeks in jolting oneself, looks actually is in the physical strength is exhausted and in the innermost soul saw struggles the advance to a lonely carrier in shivering. . .